The Authentic Eclectic
Dear Men, You Don’t Need a Strategy To Ask Someone Out
Here’s What To Do Instead
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Don’t expect her to want you to talk to her. That way you won’t be disappointed if she doesn’t. And if you don’t already know her, and you wouldn’t say it to her twin brother, don’t say it to her.
Unless you’re on a dating app, or some other dating set up, you can never be entirely sure whether anyone is even remotely interested in a romantic approach. Let’s just go with the word romantic, it’s far better than the alternatives.
If the object of your desire (object being the pertinent word) is not interested in that approach, failure is pretty much baked in. The chances of you convincing her to date you when really she just wants to drink her coffee and read her emails are almost zero.
But never fear, I have a different take on the whole issue, one that could radically alter the entire dating scene.
Don’t Catcall The Messenger
Women worldwide spend a lot of time repeating “Can you please just allow us to exist without ogling us, harassing us or trying to have sex with us?” only to have a manpanderer leap in with a breathless giggle “But I just lurve it when men harass me!”
At which, Captain Caveman inevitably leaps out of the nearest rosebush clad in full ghillie suit yelling “See?! SHE likes it! And it’s totally HER OWN FREE CHOICE and has no bearing on her conditioning in a systemically sexist society. So therefore ALL WOMEN WHO DISAGREE ARE WRONG and I will now ignore their protests”.
And then around the mulberry bush we go again.
It’s true that there are mixed messages flying hither and thither.
One reason for that is that we’re all individuals. The paradox of being individuals is that some individuals consider being harassed to be a super fun passtime. But, since you can’t tell if she’s of that select few, it’s best to assume not until proven otherwise.
And for every sensible soul saying “Hey, maybe treat all humans like individuals” you’ll find twatwombles earnestly advising us that “Men hate women who do this”.
Generalising about groups and treating them as an amorphous blob has a superlative track record. When I see a headline saying “Men hate it when women do this” I also find myself musing “Well, so fucking what?”.
But then, women with self worth and analytical thinking skills aren’t really their target audience.
Embarrassingly, for every man who thinks we give a flying fart in a windstorm about his imaginary girlfriend, there’s an equal and opposite female version extrapolating her own fetishes to the rest of us, gleefully sprinkling dating advice around like dog turds on your daises, assured of her own widsom, which is based on nothing more than her own anecdotal predilections.
You’ll find plenty of both sorts right here on this site.
So let me just be very clear: There is no such thing as “men” or “women” as a sex who all want, feel, or desire the same things in their preferred partner.
Such a group does NOT exist.
We are all individuals. Including me. Including you.
A one size fits none approach will almost certainly not find you love.
Love is blind, deaf and stupid
As a result of these mixed messages we’re often told — by a certain sort of man — that it’s just impossible these days to know whether a simple gesture is sexual harassment.
These hairy toed humourless feminazi hags have turned the world upside down. A decent bloke can’t just pat a woman’s arse in a friendly fashion without being told to stop it. It’s clearly persecution.
So what’s the average (definitely not a sexist!) bloke to do?
Assuming The Position
I’m going to assume that at least some of you are genuinely confused, and not being deliberately obtuse. I do have some sympathy for the position of a man approaching a woman, grabbing his courage (at least I hope it’s his courage) in both hands, and staring down the barrel of rejection.
So for those of you who really are confused:
You’ve been lied to. You’re being told that it’s a man’s job and his right to approach women he is sexually attracted to. You’re therefore understandably confused when it turns out most of them just want to be left in peace.
This should be a bit of a hint that it’s not, generally, women promoting this message. Although, naturally, some women have internalised the bullshit too.
We all live inside the jar, it’s often difficult to read the label.
Reframe The Blame Game
A common complaint is that if women want equality, why aren’t they doing half the work of approaching men? Well aside from the continual conditioning we all receive from the cradle to the grave, here’s a couple of things to consider:
- You don’t have to approach women at all, if you don’t want to. I do actually believe that if men (as a sex) cut right back on this behaviour, women (as a sex) would step up more. But regardless, women have no power over your choice not to approach them. You are giving them your power by playing along with the debunked trope of man chasing while women runs away. If you don’t want to do that, then don’t.
- Perhaps women, much more than men, just want to be left in peace, for all sorts of reasons?
- Perhaps men, as a sex, are simply (verifiably) too dangerous to be randomly approached?
The real beauty of my proposal is that if you follow my guidelines below, you will remove any perceived power from women in the dynamics of interactions.
They can’t have power over you if you don’t offer it to them.
Once you realise women aren’t toying with you, dangling themselves in front of you or otherwise really thinking about you at all, it changes how you view everything.
Taken Into Consideration
Think about this for a moment.
Women are human. Just like you.
Just like you, they don’t often walk around thinking about how to get the attention of the opposite sex (or same sex if they’re same sex attracted).
Generally — just like you — women are thinking about a myriad of other things. Often, they want solely to complete their task, work or goal without interference from someone who has decided they are attractive.
When you genuinely process that concept, it should change your whole outlook.
So Try This Approach
Don’t.
Don’t approach any woman as though you have a right to. Assume that you might indeed be bothering her. You might not be, but if you are, you won’t be so disappointed.
Stop believing what you’ve been taught about pursuit, entitlement and what women really want, accept that she’s an individual human with her own wants, desires and needs which probably don’t include you, and leave behind the disappointment, anger and blow to your self esteem that rejection can lead to.
A win for everyone.
If you really feel you absolutely must talk to her don’t say a single word to a woman you’re randomly approaching that you couldn’t or wouldn’t also say to her twin brother.
Speak to her in neutrally respectful terms. Not as though she was there for your delight and delectation.
I’m sorry to keep belabouring this, but it’s dreadfully important.
Speak to her exactly. Exactly. As you would a man.
But wait, I hear you derail, I tell men whom I have never before had a conversation with to “Get fucked, arsehole” and then tell them crude jokes. I go around punching men I respect and like.
Well, if that’s really true then I have nothing for you. No need to read any further. Good luck out there.
However, for the rest of you, if you speak to a woman as though she is another human being, not a possible sexual target, and she engages with you — you have an in.
If you’re genuinely unable to gauge whether what you say to a complete stranger will be acceptable or not — would you say it to her twin brother?
Once you perceive women as human, not just dolls tantalisingly teasing you in rapid succession, or completely invisible because you don’t think they’re shaggable, you’d be amazed at how the world changes.
Friends Without Benefits
And wait — there’s more. With this approach, if you do run into one of those hairy toed humourless feminazi hags you’re covered! Nobody will be concerned about her shrill cries if all you said to her was “The coffee in here’s great isn’t it?”
How do I know this? Well, most of us don’t give a shit about women’s complaints even when men have done something awful to them. And no, men are not generally brought low by accusations of foul play.
Citation: Donald Trump, Joe Biden and all of written history.
So if you actually spoke to her as you would have spoken to her twin brother, without entitlement, aggression or a creepy undertone, she will not have a hairy toe to stand on should she turn out to be unreasonable.
And It Works In Reverse Too
Nobody actually needs to approach anybody without being simply respectful and not assuming they want our company.
If you’re not already in an existing relationship of some kind (and you fully understand what I mean by that, let’s not pretend) and you’re careful to initially say neutral, respectful things, you cannot be accused successfully of untoward behaviour and are much less likely to elicit a negative response.
This works for those women who are unsure to approach men, too.
As The World Turns
If this concept leads to you just not approaching most of the women you would otherwise have?
So what?
So. What?
Don’t fret, the world will just keep turning. There are already 8 billion of us, less procreation would be great.
But women actually are just as interested in sex and relationships as men.
They tend to approach the matter differently and rarely view random men as a possible target for their advances for all sorts of reasons.
But I absolutely guarantee that you not hitting on women you might once have hit on, and speaking to those you do speak to initally in neutral, respectful terms will not negatively affect any outcomes.
Romance will still find a way. You will in no way adversely affect the future of humanity or your own dating prospects. I promise, seeing women as human reaps all sorts of benefits for both sexes.
Speaking to people as individuals, respectfully, might even lead to weird and wonderful side effects, like learning about one another, thinking of one another as fully rounded humans, maybe even occasionally friendship as well as sex.
In A Nutshell
The issue does not lie with the words. The issue lies with the fact that you have been trained from birth to think of her as available and pleasing, or otherwise, to you.
Society has not made it clear to you that she might simply not be interested in you at all. And that this is perfectly reasonable.
You’ve been primed to think she should pay you attention, that you have a right to try to seduce her. And going in with that expectation changes everything.
But she doesn’t exist to be pleasing or not pleasing to men, or to you.
Just like YOU do not exist to be pleasing to me, or any woman, or any man for that matter.
I’ll lay odds that if you keep striking out and blaming women for it, you have been conditioned not to see her as a human who exists independently of the male gaze, with her own wants, agenda, needs and inner life.
I’d bet good money that if you’re the sort of man who says he doesn’t know how to speak respectfully to a woman, you’ve been taught to look at women in two ways:
Shaggable or more or less invisible.
If you can move past that, you’ll change your entire landscape.
Step out of the simulation, come into the real world, where women are people too.
Simplify, Simplify, Simplify
It boils down to this:
Don’t expect her to want you to talk to her. That way you won’t be disappointed if she doesn’t.
And if you don’t already know her, and you wouldn’t say it to her twin brother, don’t say it to her.
It’s actually, and honestly, that simple.
So, you’ve got a couple of choices. Stop doing what doesn’t work, change your approach and maybe, just maybe, change your life. Or keep doing what doesn’t work, keep complaining about how complicated and difficult women are, keep targeting women who are just not interested, keep reading advice from both men and women who act as though we all behave as a hive mind, and grow bitter at the perceived unfairness and hysterical behaviour of half the human race.
There are plenty of “gurus” around who would love to assist you in what comes after that initial approach.
I wouldn’t recommend that, I recommend just being a pleasant, decent human being. But ultimately, once you get past that first conversation, assuming she didn’t pepper spray you, you’re on your own.
I am delighted to be well out of the dating game and happily married to my twin flame. It took some doing.
Let me leave you as I found you, but hopefully with some food for thought.
And to all of the decent lads and lassies out there — a hearty good luck to all of you.
For God knows we could all use it.
This article was inspired by this one. Clearly, I did not agree with the Argumentative Penguin on this occasion, but his work is worth a read:
Alison Tennent, Queensland, Australia, September 2021
Copyright Alison Tennent 2021, all rights reserved. Scottish by birth, upbringing and bloodline, Australian by citizenship. If you’re reading this anywhere but The Garrulous Glaswegian, Vocal+ or Medium, this work may have been plagiarized.
